Romans 12:18 instructs us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men". Is that even possible in the world in which we live today? This latest blog entry seeks to address the issue of conflicts that arise between church members and the damage they can cause, not only to the individuals involved, but to the entire church body if they’re not handled properly and properly resolved. During my 44 years in pastoring, the biggest source of church conflicts were issues between individual church members. Rarely were these conflicts fueled by something doctrinal, most often they were powered by the personal dynamics between individual church members. Causes included: personalities that clashed, their unwillingness to filter the words that came out of their mouths, differences of opinions and attitudes, or that strange dynamic that there are some people just irritate us for no particular reason. It’s interesting to see a list of things that have actually stirred conflict between church members. Here are some examples: 1 - At the conclusion of the service, what side of the door should the pastor stand by in order to interact with with church members? 2 - Should there be a clock in the sanctuary or not? 3 - Should we call a church luncheon a “potluck” or a “pot blessing”? 4 - Should the bread used in communion be gluten-free or not? 5 - How many verses should be sung during the Invitation? These are not made up things, but actual conflicts that have arisen in church groups.
Let’s begin by saying that inside every believer, there exists a contradiction. As born-again believers, we are, in fact, new creations in Christ, yet we still carry within us, remnants of our old sinful-nature (some carry more than others). Our old nature still desires what pleases it, sometimes at the expense of others. James 4:1 says, “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members”. That’s quite a thought-provoking question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you”? James is referencing our self-indulgent cravings that put personal satisfaction above God’s will. You wouldn’t think that internal “wars” and “fights” would be something that churches would have to deal with, but we know that they do exist within church families. Let’s try a scenario here. Let’s suppose the church determines they need to build a fence around the church property. One option is a brick fence, a second option is a chain-link fence, a 3rd option is wooden fence, and a 4th option feels that a church should never be fenced in because we should be “open” to all. Everyone is firm in their preferences (and it’s important to understand that each option is a “preference”). You favor the 2nd option, but folks for the 3rd option make a good case and you’re kind of leaning to that choice, but then you realize that Bro. Bodecker likes that option and you don’t like Bro. Bodecker so you stick to your guns for option 2. Now the issue has evolved into a real skirmish and it not figured out, it can morph into a full-blown conflict - all because you don’t like Bro. Bodecker. Problems arise within a church because imperfect people haven’t figured out how to get along and work together.
True holiness may begin between God and the individual member, but it finds its full expression in community with other people - in particular our church family - other wonderful, glorious, frustrating, exasperating, and sometimes offensive people just like ourselves!
Around 50 times in the New Testament, Jesus and the apostles tell us to feel, say, or do something to “one another”. Some of which include; we are to care for one another, bear with one another, honor one another, sing to one another, do good to one another, and forgive one another. And there is the grand, overarching, most-repeated “one another”, the command that “binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:14) - “Love one another”. These “one-anothers” do not exhaust our obligations to other believers (many communal imperatives do not include the phrase “one another, but together they offer us a brilliant picture of life together under the lordship of Christ - and not only the under the lordship of Christ, but also in the pattern/example of Christ. For when we fully grasp them, these “one-anothers” are nothing less than the life of Christ at work in the people of Christ to the glory of Christ.
Consider, for example, how even in a community-oriented passage like Colossians 3:12 - 17 (which by the way includes 3 “one-anothers”), Paul can’t stop talking about Jesus. Our new character - compassionate, kind, humble, meek, patient (v12) - reflects the “image of its Creator (v10). We forgive “as the Lord has forgiven us” (v13). Our unity reflects “the peace of Christ” (v15); our words flow from the “word of Christ” (v16). In fact, whatever we do in community, we do “in the name of the Lord Jesus” (v17). For here, “Christ is all, and in all” (v11).
These “one-anothers”, then are earthly dramas of heavenly realities; they represent the love of Christ played out on ten-thousand stages. So, with this in mind, let’s consider these “one-anothers” in five categories: Those that have His mind, those that offer His welcome, those that speak His words, those that show His love and those that give His grace.
1. Those that have His mind - we are to do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count one-another more significant than yourselves (Phil. 2:3). Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another (1 Pet. 5:5). In a Spirit-filled community, we all (no matter how tall) look up to each other, not down; we jostle to kneel and hold the towel; we choose the seat of the last and the least - because we remember how Jesus did the same for us.
2. Those that offer His welcome - we are to operate in harmony with one another. We shouldn’t be arrogant, and we should always associate with the lowly (Rom. 12:16). Welcome one another as Christ welcomed you (Rom. 15:7). Show hospitality to one another without grumbling (1 Pet. 4:9). We are to receive one another just as Christ has received us (Rom. 15:7). This one could stretch our preferences and personalities beyond the breaking point. To "welcome” means more than “nod and say hello”, and “one another means more than those whom we like. This command calls us to warmly embrace, gladly associate with, and readily invite into our orbit every “one another” in our church - including those who seem to be “lowly” (Rom. 12:16) and those we feel strongly tempted to judge or despise (Rom. 14:3).
3. Those that speak His Words - each of us are to let the Word of Christ dwell in us richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom (Col. 3:16). Encourage one another and build up one another (1 Thess. 5:11). We are to exhort one another every day (Heb. 3:13). Believers are a “word” people, a speaking people. We have been brought to life ourselves by “the living and abiding word of God” (1 Pet. 1:23), we now seek to bring that life to others through our Word-shaped words. And we employ the whole range of our tones and vocal cords to do so; we not only speak, but teach, instruct, admonish, encourage, exhort, comfort, honor, stir up, and even sing! Whether pastors or not, we are all stewards of God life-giving word; we all should have something beneficial to say to each other. So as we welcome one another, let us also look for opportunities to take some portion of God’s Word and apply it in a way that “fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). We should be a people with a Bible always open on the table of our hearts, ready to “stir up one another to love and good works” with a well-chosen and well-timed word (Heb. 10:24). So, even as we laugh and exchange small talk, a current of holy intentionality flows through our conversation; we know that God intends to use what we say and how we say it to work wonders in each other’s lives.
4. Those that show His love - we should always seek to do good to one another (1 Thess. 5:15). As each of us have received a gift, we are to use that gift to serve one another (1 Pet. 4:10). We are to bear one another’s burdens, and when we do that we fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2). As important as our words are for a healthy Christian community, we must remember that no community lives on words alone. Jesus did not just speak to people during His earthly ministry; He healed them and touched them and delivered them and ate with them. And so we, His followers, are not just mere mouths to one another, but also hands and feet and shoulders. We do not only speak His love, we show it. Service often feels like a costlier form of love than speech. It’s one thing to speak comforting words; it’s another to sit for long hours as a comforting presence. It’s one thing to encourage someone carrying a heavy burden, it’s another to bend your shoulder to the load. This kind of love interrupts the day’s plans with untimely requests that can upset your evenings and weekends.
5. Those that give His grace - we are to bear with one another in love (Eph. 4:2). We are to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you (Eph. 4:32). The humble mind of Christ, the warm welcome of Christ, the stirring words of Christ and the helpful hand of Christ - all show, in a marvelous way, what the Holy Spirit can do in a community of believers. But none displays our Lord quite so clearly as the forgiving heart of Christ. Christian communities are built, through great disappointment and heartache, in the shape of a cross.
We live in a world with its own set of one-anothers: one-another brokeness, one-another hatred, one-another manipulation, and one-another selfishness. Our church exists to show a different and far-better way of life. The Lord reconciles us not only to Himself, but to each other, creating one-another love out of one-another pain. This is why God’s Word gives us so many “one-anothers” - when we carry them out, especially in how we treat each other, the world is able to see what real life in Christ looks like! As we move out into the world - into parks and coffee shops and sports teams and neighborhoods - and as we invite outsiders in, such a powerful way of life will not go unnoticed! “By this all people will know…” - so therefore, believers walking in the one-anothers not only have Christ’s mind, offer His welcome, speak His words, show His love, and give His grace, they also advance His mission!!
Always strive to ensure that issues are allowed to fester. You ever get a splinter, but you don’t take care of it because you think it’ll hurt to much to go probing around with a needle, trying to remove it? So you ignore it, but it begins to fester and it worsens, and now it will hurt even more to deal with it. Church conflicts are a lot like that splinter. We don’t deal with it, we strive to keep it quiet, but its festering and causing more and more irritation, and when it finally does come to a head, it causes much more damage that if it would have been dealt with at its onset. Most folks don’t like confrontation - and that’s part of the reason Christ gives us so many “one-anothers” - to keep conflicts from festering and causing far greater damage. A simple thing to remember, always leave room for grace! Too many times, we let our opinions/desires/preferences prevail to the point that we keep grace out of the equation. As long as we don’t practice graceful and gracious conduct there will always be church conflicts. And yes, we will always have conflicts from time to time - but I believe we can drastically reduce the amount of conflict by always making room for grace!
Take heart, my fellow believers, we never have a better opportunity to show the glory of Christian community than when Christian community feels hardest. Get close enough to any group of recovering sinners, and they will poke and prod your patience. They will say and do things that baffle and offend you. They will would you without even knowing it. The worst of these moments can leave leave a smoking crater in your soul. But they can also become ground zero for something beautiful and new: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
I ran across this this recently and I think it serves as a good ending to this particular post. You don’t have to become bitter just because someone hurt you. Pain will always offer you a choice. You can let it harden you, or you can let God use it to deepen you. You can become suspicious of everyone because one person betrayed you. You can stop loving because someone mishandled your heart. You can build walls so high that nobody can hurt you again. But eventually you’ll realize something. Walls don’t just keep pain out. They keep love out too. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean trust has to be restored. And it doesn’t mean everyone deserves access to your life again. Forgiveness means their actions no longer get to determine the condition of your heart. Jesus never asked you to pretend the wound didn’t happen. He asked you to give Him the wound. Let God deal with what they did. Let God heal what it did to you. Because the greatest revenge isn’t watching someone else suffer. It’s becoming so healed that what they did no longer controls who you become. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Pro. 4:23).